Overcoming an assessment of victory

God was hit and so am I. I lay here unable to sleep. I am tired but all I can do is rest and await the dawn. I could find some excuse to get up again. I listen to the somewhat labored breathing of a sick child. I have done what I can for her for now. God help us. From our position of weakness we must come in strength to win the day. There is no other way for the story to end. Good had already told the ending. He is an excellent story teller and there is no way He can be wrong. However, sometimes it proves hard for me to see the way from here to there. I begin to think there simply must be many small victories between here and there and won't that be awesome? I think I will rejoice at each one. I think I will mark the days of victory and commemorate them as one does a birthday or an anniversary. But, I find myself beginning to wonder if indeed today was not such a day and if I have not already failed to see it let alone to celebrate for all its contained victory... Yes, it surely is so and if it can be so on this day then why not on every such day? What if I will suddenly arrive surprised to be vindicatedated in the end though I long for just that every moment of every day until I have so thoroughly missed it that it comes upon me when I am unawares? If I resolve that it should likely be so then I think I may just as likely result that I should in every day celebrate that day as a victory despite what my flesh eyes may see. I should celebrate with all the celebration I may muster though I should barely see a cause for any revelry at all. I should celebrate the celebration I have seen occasionally in the insane who have arrived at a moment of careless wonder. My victory is in the offing and my own weakness, the likelihood of my being altogether surprised at its sudden arrival while all the while begging God for one more small victory to cushion my gentler self, as a sort of force field to protect what I envision is a true self and God knows better. He is teaching me... While a greater day is yet coming, no greater day had yet come and that which is not yet, truly already is in every sense that counts. Choose what to be, He says. I choose free, I say. With the words and my feeble mastery of Language I fail to understand that from this moment in which the choice itself proves to be ultimate Grace all is settled, praise and just as much so, painless suffering have become the order of the day, every day. But for those who fail to fully grasp the implication though they be free from loss they be not free from failure of assessment and they had better be= they had better be free from failure of assessment= because their victory lies not at the end of a road spent questioning Him but at the end of a road spent believing. So believe and rejoice! Draw not your own conclusions. Stand not in the collection of your own strength For you have nothing other than that which He gave you or you have nothing at all. And if it be so, and surely it is then you had Better live accordingly (death is the only other option.)